‘No-one seems accountable.’
November 3, 2025
Discovering the pattern of parentification #1
It is clearest in the individual coaching.
Huge frustration (so much potential energy), uncertainty about staying. Disdain for the decisions of those above. Overwhelm. Awake through the night. No help fits the bill.
‘What’s the point of me as a leader if I’m not on top of everything?’ Ah yes, the identity crisis, the impossible promise, the grinding drag.
Taking it all on with heart and soul. What an expression of love.
How do you help someone who knows best?!
Courage in hand, I swim in not-knowing, curious and not attached. Play back what I understand. ‘And it reminds me of…’
We are sucked in at times, try to hold everything, boil the ocean. I flail a bit, kick my legs against the strength of the current.
I have them with my stories of the pattern. At some point, a spark.
For one, the spark is about lost childhood.
Here he pauses, his attention momentarily elsewhere. ‘I might need to look at where it came from.’ Yes, if you want to, when you want to, in the way you choose.
His attention returns and seems different, a bit more solid.
I return us to his working life. ‘Was there some childhood lost at work, something you’d like to reclaim?’
He talks about play and building things, a new light in his eyes. There is skepticism but new possibility.
Another wants to know everything, swallow it whole (of course!) – ‘What book?’
We dig around, explore the habits that weaken and those that strengthen. Where is the possibility of shared endeavour, dignity for all?
We find it then – the place where he is relentlessly the parent, the backstop. He can say no to anyone but his team. Won’t let them fail, so won’t let them learn. Can’t bear the implications, too much at stake.
He could lead thousands but not like this. Here’s the bind.
We sit together in his dilemma.
