The pattern of parentification

Parentification: the archetype

The archetype of parentification is of a child ‘stepping up’ to take care of its parent/s. The child takes responsibility prematurely, may see and hear things they’re not ready for, has less space for childhood.

Some of us have lived this for real – as child carers, for example – but we all know how to ‘do’ parentification. At work, many of us are trained and rewarded for knowing; we might feel we contribute only if we have answers or advice.

Capabilities and strengths of parentification

Parentification creates capabilities like courage to forge new paths and willingness to lead the way. It can make for exceptional, innovative leadership.

Capabilities include:

• Gifts of vision and inspiration, oratory, storytelling
• Trailblazing, risk-taking, entrepreneurship
• Great salesmanship
• Natural authority and gravitas, the ability to inspire confidence.

Risks and interference of parentification

The risks are of ‘knowing better’ in ways that weaken, undermine or demotivate. The more one party ‘knows better’, the more others seem to doubt themselves, becoming passive or unable to contribute – like children.

This is the dance of parentification. It can create a fog around accountability and decision-making, incapacitating even brilliant people, teams and organisations.

It causes a lot of unrest and can make it difficult to collaborate or partner effectively.

Clues that parentification is present

Patterns are magnetic and strong. Whole teams, functions, organisations and sectors can be parentified. A remit for innovation or change is an invitation, and any assignment that asks you to ‘know’ for others or for society.

Parentification has a sense of superiority and can be critical or dismissive. Knowing better can make us unable to accept the counsel or leadership of others.

Listen for clues that people are ‘out of place’: ‘They talk to me like a parent,’ ‘They’re acting like teenagers,’ ‘Who do they think they are?’

What can we do about it?

First, we need to become more aware of the pattern, see the flavours and forms it takes, how it strengthens and weakens. With awareness comes more choice in how we act.

To grow beyond it, we need to discover why it exists – what the pattern is telling us. At what level in the system is there a gap in leadership or decision-making?

We might want to break the pattern. Maybe things need to be structured differently. Maybe it’s time to spread our wings, create a new company.